dissertating diva

that's it?

2009-11-24T16:05:00.002-05:00

So, I'm done. I defended. Ph.D. Now what? Call the spouse. Done. Call the relatives. Done. It's really a let-down. So few people get this. Frustrating to say the least. Oh-well. Maybe I won't care after I drown down a few drinks..... congrats, I'm a Dr.

Return to Ghetto School

2009-09-17T07:59:00.003-04:00

I got a last minute call from Ghetto school. They need me. Apparently some other adjunct got switched around at another school and now can't teach. Whatever. I asked about the class - let me at first know what I'm getting into... 7 students; last time the course is to be taught; could care less what I do. Hmm. Okay. Let me sell more of my soul to the devil for a bit more cash.

He sends me the syllabus. At this point, I've never taught this class, it's been taught by this other guy for a while, I'll just keep as is. I open the syllabus basically to change dates and semester and I'm reading it...um, WTF?!?! Seriously, there's talk of homework problems for one class then back talking about case studies for this class. It appears that he taught finance first and didn't change the syllabus well. And how long has it been like this??? So I delete, and delete. Fix this, fix that. Whatever... I'm still going to use it.

I get an email telling me I can come pick up the book Wednesday (class starts Thurs). I go Wednesday and apparently the other guy had lost the book. (Really...cause I'm thinking I can find it on ebay or Craigslist if I look....oh, let's not beat around the bush - this is where adjunct whores make extra cash flow - selling freebie textbooks). So, literally I go to class Thursday with nothing but a half-ass syllabus and an activity to sort of start discussions.

I arrive to class. He's there - literally his office is just outside my door. Now, I know he's teaching adjunct at the community college where I teach...which starts at 6:30, which means you need to be there by 6:00. So I ask....he said he told his class not to show up until after 7 that night!!! REALLY?? This after we had our faculty convocation where they came down on adjuncts to ensure we hold our office hours and to hold classes for the full length of time?!?! Oh, wait, he didn't come to faculty convocation.....my bad... Yeah, there's a reason he's not teaching in my dept anymore. Apparently the English dept is still desperate, though.

So he hangs around and students are coming in. Odd, but okay...you can stand around and chat with me. I mean, we are in an annex building, so I think he just likes having people to talk to - not sure. Anyway, students are talking about books, etc. One says to the guy that she's got the old edition and the guy says that's fine, Mrs X will make it work. Oh, okay, I will. Turns out that the edition is like #2 out of #18. And other students have books from different authors/publishers. Whatever. Really? One person had the right book. Then another person tells him that she has to leave an hour early every week and if it's okay. Um, hello - I'm right here. He says oh, it's fine... He tells me again - in front of these few students - that this is the last time this class is being taught and they just need these credits to get their bachelors degree...blah, blah... the new curriculum doesn't have this course, don't care what you do, just finish this out....blah, blah.

I wait, I wait. 7 students? I have 5. I wait. People are eating chicken from down the hall. (Apparently this school has food ALL THE TIME. Add in the free backpacks and daycare, it freaks me out. Explains why the tuition is through the roof!!). We're now past the 15 late mark (6:45), he pops his head in one last time to tell me I should just let everyone go early since another girl has to leave early too. Her story is that it was just that night, but I'm thinking the students will rotate this leaving early thing. Anyway, the guy finally leaves for his 7 pm class down the road...good luck getting there in 15 minutes. Whatever. I'm thinking about ratting him out.

I ask the students if they know of the other students in class that aren't there. Yep. So and so comes to class about an hour late each week. So and so never comes the first day since you never do nothing. Okay....we'll let's begin. I do introduction pictionary. Now, I've done this with 37 students before. It took some time, we it was fun and we did it. This, however, was the longest event ever. I swear I think they got that if they stretched it out that's all we would do... I finally had to speed it up. Really, don't draw your life story....only draw one thing about yourself - we guess - you explain - you sit down. That's it. I had people seriously providing oral and pictorial histories of multi-generations. Kill me.

Passed out syllabus. Discussed syllabus. Gave them the activity to do in groups. They asked if they could do it at home. I said fine. They left. I went shopping. Retail therapy works wonders.

I'm selling my soul one class at a time....

Delete or not delete....

2009-08-18T14:57:00.003-04:00

I thought about deleting this blog. I mean, it's served it's purpose, no? Just when I decided to let it go (and focus more on my other blog) I realized that I'll need this. I'm sorry that there will not be lots of updates, but I think for now I'll keep it. You never know...

So updates: I was offered an international job and we're leaving at the end of the year. It's an unexpected place. Let's just say it's not glamorous in any way, shape, or form. However, I'm bored and it will be a challenge. It's an administrative job, not teaching. And I'm actually quite happy with that result.

Dissertation is almost complete. I had some hang-ups over the summer that got me behind (one of them being the job; the other being a procrastinator). It will be finished soon regardless. I dropped off my chapters this week and I have a meeting with Dissertation Chair at the end of the month for suggested revisions. I'm burned out and want this over.

Thankfully, I do not have to teach at crazy school this semester. They needed to shuffle classes around and pulled my two courses. YEAH! Now I only have to teach three classes at the community college. I've taught two of them before and the other is an online class, which I like. Only one class will be a PITA. I'll have my hands full polishing up my dissertation and getting ready for the big move. So much to do!

So, I don't know what this blog will morph into, but for now, no delete...

I don't get it.

2009-04-24T14:04:00.002-04:00

There's a big ta-do over a masters student that teeters on crazy/inappropriate/weird/ornery. I HATED him when he was first accepted, but I've actually come to understand him a bit. I don't agree, and we've had our outs, but I take him for who he is. He has excellent writing skills - excellent. By far his papers are some of the best I've ever read. So, instead of requiring an interview, he was accepted into the program on his application. El-mistako. He just doesn't fit into the program. However, the powers that be let him in. So now what? He did get a C from a class last semester. (Not because of the work, but because he wrote in an essay that he didn't read the book...uh...see what I mean???) Anyway, a C is grounds for a boot and paperwork had to be filed. It's up to admin on decision. They (and when I mean they, I mean she) decided to keep him in. Numbers? Hmmm, we were dwindling FAST... So, the decision to keep him. Fast forward. She wants me to give him another C so she can boot him. However, he's doing well in my class, except for "the incident" which will cause his grade to go to a B. I cannot justify a C. Due to the "incident" she is having brought up before the chair of the dept and another guy in charge of the academics at the school for "disciplinary" actions. Was he an idiot? Yes. Worth kicking out? No, I don't think so. I actually suggested to him to look into this other program at BIG university. He has 4 classes left to graduate. He is our one student that works at BIG university part time and lives in a dorm. If we kick him out, then what? So I told Advisor what I did. She was ticked with me, but then recommended the same action in the discipline write up! Apparently the head of the other program called her and now she's back-tracking. She sent me a VERY stern email not to talk to him at all about the upcoming disciplinary action (he doesn't know) or about looking for other programs, etc. I am only to talk to him about the performance in my class. Done. The only time he brought it up to me was after their meeting last week. He came to class VERY upset. He kept apologizing to me thinking he was going to get me in trouble. I assured him that my contract was up anyway, and no worries. He's just an abrasive person by nature and I've come to understand him and the culture by which he works. It's not my way, but I can see it. I've had to tone him down a time or two before. What's ironic is this is not he first person that she has asked me to give a C to. She even said for me not to worry about a grade appeal. I'm sorry. I can't do it. I do have a student that will get a C, maybe a second. Even with this incident, his grade goes down 10 points. Brings to a B-. I just have a problem with not dealing with people professionally. THIS IS AN EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM. We need to educate students on appropriate behaviors. I feel if we let them in, we should help remediate them. Was he inappropriate? Yes. However, what have WE done to fix this earlier? Ironically, she gave him an A in her course last semester. I just don't understand letting people slide and then all of a sudden have issues. They knew he was a problem the FIRST semester. (Which is why he ended up being sent to me to deal with his schedules b/c he was a PITA.) This happened in my class and yet I have no say about the discipline. I left the assignment fairly wide open. Maybe it's my fault there was not enough guidance. I feel like in many ways I let him down. I should have tried to reign him in more. I'm just very frustrated by the turn of events....I tried to find a way to deal with him where our program won't suffer and he just didn't waste god knows how much money not to finish. I get told that I shouldn't say something, then it's a good idea, then it's a bad idea. Advisor told the person from the other program today that he's being brought up on discipline committee. She's not going to accept him as a transfer now. I feel like is some way I need to advocate that he not get kicked out. On the other hand, he'll have her for an instructor in a couple more classes. That won't go well either. Frustrating.

I think Advisor is overly distraught with her job being cut from 12 month to 9 month contract. I actually think it will be good for our program to have adjuncts come in. She won't even talk to me about it. She's really trying to keep me out of the loop lately. Frankly, we started off so well, but now I just want to finish my contract....two weeks, baby. There was some discussion about me teaching one or both of the classes this summer, but then she brought up my grant and said I couldn't do both, etc. Actually, I could have - another student is....whatever. I told my students last night and they WERE PISSED. There was quite an uproar and I was bombarded with questions. I didn't know the answers to most and we moved on. They were set for a hybrid course and now it's not. Not happy campers. They were begging me to teach it. I said that's not how it works....

On to other news. Two more letters that jobs have been pulled due to funding. I got rid of my tax acctng adjunct job for the summer. yeah! I did not want it but felt guilty. Talked another instructor into taking it.

I guess from all of this stuff lately I've learned a lot about myself. My advisor is EXCELLENT at teaching. I am okay. What I am good at though is relating to my students. I really care about them. I really do. I go out of my way to see their point of view and, although I may want to shoot them a time or two, I make sure to focus on the bigger picture. Education, advancement, opportunity to learn. My advisor is more about looking good and putting on a front. I love the idea of tenure track - spending time in research and talking to fellow academics. She keeps to herself. I found it to be odd that she hosted (by my recommendation) a university-wide meeting. She had a panel of herself, a recent PhD grad, and a tenured professor from our school who wrote two books recently. I felt pain for her. She tried to fit in the scenario and it just didn't work. Academics aren't about looks. She came in with her fancy suit. Ug. The full professor talked about her research, the doc student about her study, then my advisor about her dissertation from 10 years ago. It was sad and I felt bad for her. Since I've been at the university I've pulled together lit reviews that she's wanted. Various "I want to do an article on..." It's never happened. I know she's busy. I know running the program is hard. However, I just think she's put her efforts into non-priority things. And now it's coming out. After so many years, they want to see what you've done. I don't know. I feel bad. I've learned a lot about what it takes in higher ed. I want it. I think I'd be good at it. Frankly, I've learned that sometimes your teaching does have to suffer to balance publishing. Even if you are just collateral faculty. It's funny that the biggest complaint I've heard is that she's TOO over the top in teaching. So much effort goes into it, that students just want a reprieve on occasion. I don't know. It's interesting that as my stock goes up with tenured, full professors, my stock with her goes down. She talks to me less and less and keeps me at a arms distance. Yet, I've been asked to help with a book chapter. And, I had to leave early from her panel discussion and so did a head chick from IRB - she said she's heard good things about my dissertation and wants me to send it to this top guy in the field when it's done. Hummffp. I wish I could share with her these things. She was my mentor! I guess I've outgrown her and now it's just uncomfortable for both of us.

Okay...long post. I have issues. Back to grading papers....on my hammock....ah............hello spring!!

funk, funk, and more funk

2009-04-12T20:43:00.003-04:00

I feel like a failure this semester with my masters students. Did I not teach them or are they thick-headed? Students from our program are okay... some are better than others. But the other students aren't getting it. Frustrating. Really frustrating.

I rec'd an email that I've made it past the preliminary rounds for a position in MN. Great job, but MN? Really? Um, cold, very cold. At this point though, I'm ready for a change. Hubby is up for the move. We'll just be poor, cold, and well, poor and cold. Nothing brings a family together like being poor and cold, right?

There's a job here with Big University that I applied for a month or so ago. It's fairly low level - not tenured. It's sort of an instructor position. I'm completely over-qualified, but I think I would actually like it (at least for a while). I had a friend of a friend inquire and apparently they have a TON of applications. I've emailed the head person and never got a response. I know they have my app b/c I got the postcard. I at least want my cv to be seen! rrrggghhh.

I finished writing a grant this weekend. I should be working on my dissertation, but I guess a grant would be nice to add to my cv (even if it is itty-bitty).

Seriously?

2009-03-25T13:22:00.002-04:00

I just got a call from another mom regarding another mother's kid, stating that my kid was talking crap about her kid to another kid. You've got to be kidding me. It turns out that this is the same kid that back five months ago got my kid kicked out of a bus seat so that she could sit next to her little boyfriend. My kid came crying off the bus that this girl lied to the bus driver and got her in trouble. I'm not saying that my kid is an angel - far from it. But she gets pushed around fairly easily and gets made fun of. So, yeah, my kid probably was giving your kid dirty looks and talking trash. However, your kid isn't golden child either. Apparently the other mother is friends with this chick that has my phone number and they go to the same gym. The other mother wants to call me and tell me what I piss poor parent I am. The other mother intervened. She's a bit flaky too. (She called me the other morning -after I came back from taking my kids to school- to take her kids to school (now late) because she couldn't find either set of car keys.) Whatever. At this point, I'm used to whack-a-dos. So, anyway, the mom told me she was going to give my phone number to the other mom and warned me that she's Puerto-Rican and "feisty" and she's really pissed off at me because of my kid treating her kid so mean. Uh, okay... And she told me that she was supposed to talk to me about my kid over a week ago and to lie to the other mom if she asked why I didn't respond back sooner. Oh, yes....lie because other mom was supposed to do her dirty work already. I'm supposed to say she did talk to me and this was the second time. Yeah, so now I'm supposed to go back to my kid and ask about some stink eye she gave this other girl over a week ago. They ride the same bus --- I'm pretty sure the stink eye is exchanged every day. OMG this is too much drama for elementary school. I swear I'm not answering my phone. Gee, and no wonder my kids want me to drive them everyday to and from school. As it is, they only ride the bus home...perhaps I'll start picking them up.

boo-hoo, whine whine,

2009-03-07T17:38:00.004-05:00

I didn't get a campus invite. I have no idea if I was even in the ball park for that university. It was flattering to get a phone interview, but sucks to not get to the next step. I know my stuff and if they have any applicants like we flew in last year, they'll suck. Anyway, moving on. There's an asst dean's job at crazy school that just opened. I just don't think I could do it. I may kill someone considering there is only one other Ph.D. on staff and he got his degree through generic online school (oh, you know the one....). Yes, all the deans just hold masters, and some of those are from crazy online schools. I may hold out and con't to pimp adjunct. I did find two other jobs to apply for, but they're not tenure track at a university. Both are admin jobs at CCs. Hmmm...... maybe someone is trying to tell me something?? Whatever, I believe in fate....must be patient. That's SOOOOO not my personal trait.

MIA student at crazy school wanted to meet with me today before class. No show. Gee, I'm not surprised. She turned in all the work for the first half of the course in my mail box (what part of 5 pts a day off for being late do you not get????). Most of it is worth nothing. Perhaps if she actually came to a class.....hmmm, that may just be too much for her!

Spring break is next week for one school and the week after for another. Gee, I wish we could have coordinated schedules so I could have gotten a break! Oh-well. So is the life of the adjunct whore. Perhaps I need to change the title of this blog????

midterm grades are posted

2009-02-28T19:37:00.004-05:00

16 F's out of 28 students. Only 4 of them have any hope of bringing themselves out. Uh, hard to pass when you've only been to class twice and NEVER turned in a single homework. One of the faculty members today said that if they're borderline (I was afraid to ask the definition of borderline), to pass them and save myself the paperwork. Oh, yes, there's paperwork for giving an F grade. One student got really snippy with an email to me. She said she's been busy and SHE TOLD me she was going to be out. Yes, one day, not FOUR! And?? That's why I gave you the work AHEAD of time TO DO - for the ONE day she was to be out... To put in my box BEFORE class. I still have NOTHING from her and she's pissy with me because she is getting an F???? Uh, sister, get with the program.

I sent a full email to the higher up peeps at the school and was like, look, I'm a new adjunct and may not know the rules, but WTF??? What is funny is that they've already asked me to come teach again....a class I wasn't sure I could fully teach...never took a specific class in this particular area. The guy was like, oh, you'll be fine.... yeah, probably because I only have to teach two chapters in a semester. I said I'd THINK about it. Oh please other job, call me... I cannot continue as an adjunct whore!

ARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-27T14:22:00.003-05:00

"If u have the book sense you can apply it to everyday life in tern will help you succeed all across board."

Oh, Lord, please help me. Grant me the patience to grade these papers. Please let me find a job where college is not a place to get free student loan money and there is actually a minimum requirement to enroll.

Another student wrote their midterm paper with bullet points. WTF?

The good, the bad, the ugly....

2009-02-24T13:10:00.004-05:00

Interview --- Not sure how it went. They got straight to it introducing the 7 committee members and then right into nailing me with questions. The first was a "two-parter"...but really a three... What are my strengths in a teaching in a traditional classroom and online classroom? And what is my philosophy teaching non-traditional students? Then there were questions about my research interests (which they came back and speficially clarified again, which was odd). Then my dissertation. Then they wanted to know what type of working environment I prefer. Then I asked one question. Then I tried to schmooze by talking about how we've googled maps in the area -- show that I'm really interested in moving. Then they said they were also developing a program in another state....far away...very far away.... I didn't quite know how to respond, so I let it go. It's hard to do these phone interviews. At least in person, you can read body language or see "glances" between the panel. Here it was just boom, boom, boom...shot in the dark. I just don't know. Either my research is highly complimentary or completely off base. I have some things going for me, and some other things that are off what I think they want/need. Who knows. They kept it very formal and to the point. I'm supposed to be notified in a week or so if I made it to the next round. I thought I was going to vomit afterwards. It's over. Move on.

Dissertation - Met with chair today. I'm ready to go. I'm scheduling my hearing in two weeks. Woo-woo...on to the next hoop. (Although each hoop is slightly smaller and tilted just slightly a different way.....) He wants me to start working on my IRB paperwork. Check, check, check. Will do it this weekend.

Key bitch - The keeper of the keys moved to a different dept and now the new keeper of the keys is a total bitch. Well, the old one was too, but I could deal with her better. The new keeper of the keys won't give me a key to open a glass enclosed bulletin board because I'm a "GTA". Uh, yes....a graduate teaching assistant..... as in I am at least in grad school, but more than that, I'm 5 months my my freakin' Ph.D. and you don't trust me with a freakin' key???? "We don't give out keys to GTA's; I'll send someone up". Yes, I'm sitting in my office waiting for an administrative assistant to stand there while I redo a stupid bulletin board. First of all, I cannot believe I'm getting paid to do artwork, and second, I cannot believe I'm being babysat by an admin asst. Whatever....At least the copy lady lets us trade supplies if we leave her something. I give her my really nice stapler (it's awesome, except for bulletin boards) and she gives me her heavy-duty will staple through anything stapler. Or I leave my office keys for the $$$$ paper cutter. Hey, at least we have a deal. All faculty wheels and deals with the copy lady. Not the key bitch. Different rules..... rrrggghhhhh

Tonight's slackers....

2009-02-23T20:49:00.004-05:00

One family surgery, one mom with a stroke (okay, I do think this one is real and I feel bad), one flat tire, one flu, one ran out of gas, one family emergency, one family not being supportive of me returning to school, and two with no emails, calls, or text messages..... No I am NOT joking. Oh, please, oh, please, let me go back to teaching master's students. They are so much more creative with excuses.....

Get it all out of my head....

2009-02-23T09:54:00.003-05:00

I got a call out of the blue from a large university for a tenure-track position. I applied back 3 months ago to this generic ad. I'm so excited I may pee on myself. It's fairly close - only a few states away. I have a phone interview tomorrow. Hubby already making "moving" plans. Uh, one step at a time, baby, one step at a time.

On another note, what's up with advisor not blogging? Required for students, and told me I have to do it?!? Hmmm......

Email from student

2009-02-05T14:52:00.002-05:00

I am unable to attend tonights class due to a virus going through my home. It included headache, high fever, and bady ache. I don't want to take any chances of this spreding to anyone else. I had mad share of cleaning up throwup. Please send me any study material that is needed for the next class.

I love big text book companies....

2009-01-21T16:53:00.002-05:00

As a student, they suck....I mean, paying $130 for a book only to have a new edition the next year so you couldn't sell it back??? However, now that I'm on the flip side, yeah expensive textbooks! :) I don't actually think I have to teach ACCT after all....of course they have prepared PowerPoint slides, but now they have AUDIO enhanced PowerPoint slides!!! Oh, yes, I get to just play them!!! Let's add in the additional "video clips", course activities, and discussion questions, and there is quite little I need to do! Yeah resources!! Of course, I do need to dumb it all down, but hot damn, this is a time saver!! Looking forward to testing it all out tomorrow! Woop-woop!

OMFG!

2009-01-17T13:07:00.003-05:00

Maybe I didn't need this blog after all. Students aren't SO bad...

Then I picked up additional adjunct positions at a private "college" (using quotation marks loosely). I'm teaching two classes - first year accounting & a freshman seminar. To get to know my acct students and understand their abilities, I gave them a little ungraded quiz on the first night. Three out of nine students defined liability as "insurance". And one answer to define asset was "big butt". Only one student got the 5 math problems correct (as in $15,000= x + $12,000 and 6% of $642 =___). One student didn't know how to use a calculator. Yes, I even handed out a 4 function calcuators to the group. They can text message, but don't know how to use my 4th grader's calculator..... Luckily I was told I only needed to teach 4 chapters in 15 weeks. That does not include the chapter on LIFO, FIFO, and averages. I decided to be adventurous and add that in. Second guessing that decision now.

Then there is the seminar class. I have three that are pregnant (out of the 21 students that actually showed up; out of that 6 are men). One is due in four weeks. Only one has a baby daddy. Four that showed up just registered and weren't on my roster. I have 11 other students that just didn't show up.

On the flip side, I'm teaching a masters level class again and it's awesome. I only have one whack student that got up in the middle of class to go move her car.

Kill me now...

2008-12-03T10:19:00.004-05:00

Class project/paper. 5-7 pages. Had all semester to work on it. Reminded them. Let them out early to work on it.....

This student text messaged me to tell me she wasn't coming to class because she was sick. Also wanted to know how late she could email it to me and it still be "on time". Uh, that would be the minute class starts, like those turning in their papers! Late papers are 25% off first day, 50% second day, not accepted after that ---She sent hers at 11:44 at night. Sorry, 25% off.... Anyway here is her email...

Professor G, I fell asleep waiting for your text. It's the medication. I am attaching my homework problems and sending them to you but, I am not a great typists so my paper is taking a while. I will submit it tonite. I really haven't been focusing cause of my sickness. I have had to extend all of my assignments with my other instructors. One class I am averaging a D in so I really need this grade. Please bare with me. I have bronchitis on top of everything that I have been going through not to mention I am menustated for the second time in two weeks. One of my children are falling behind in his studies as well. I'm not having the best of luck.

*Another student, one currently getting an A in the class, completely forgot about the project and emailed me the night before and asked what grade she would get if she just didn't do it. Considering it's a test grade, that would mean a D. She came to class & turned nothing in then emailed me three pages of something around 11 pm. 25% off whatever grade those three pages would get you....

*Another student emailed his to me in an email. No, not as an attachement, an email.

Just when I think I've got it going on. Are you kidding me??

On other news, I got a call from another "school" asking me to adjunct. They want me to come in and do a 10-15 minute teaching demo. I was pretty much told that they are not a "diploma mill", but they strongly encourage their instructors to consider multiple ways to assess students to ensure strong passing grades. Also stated that, for example, you may only actually cover 4 chapters in Acct 1 and that would be just fine. Goodie. Let me see what I can come up with for my demo. How would I teach accounting to fourth graders? hmmm......

I think I'm selling my soul.

In a funk...

2008-11-06T15:08:00.004-05:00

Have been to two meetings today. I think I'm just tired. Plus I have to teach tonight. Too much to do. Headache. Personal issues - Parent/teacher conference basically was a "talk" about how much my oldest daughter needs mom's attention and that she's okay academically but they're worried that I don't spend enough time with her. Are you kidding me? She is a needy kid, but let's not guilt me into being a bad mom. Of course, I sat there sobbing like a baby. What exactly do they want me to do? I'm sure they're going to love that I'll be across the country giving a national presentation when her class is doing their little program next week.

There's a family who lives around the corner who is mom-less right now. She was sent to training last year for several months, then came back only to leave again for a year. The military is paying for her to go to PA school. The dad is handling the two boys. I wonder if they guilt her? I also wonder about my friend who's husband worked two hours away and only came home on the weekends. He did that for two years and now is off in Kansas for military training. He's off to Afghanistan next. Are military people except from being "bad" parents??? Maybe just me because I have options.

The funny thing is I see my kids more now than I did when I worked full-time. I'd pick them up from daycare and often go to work on weekends to catch up. We didn't do a bunch of "fun stuff". Now I get them off the bus 2-3 days a week, they help me make dinner, we play a family board game at least once a week. Last weekend we went and played putt-putt and go-carting. My oldest needs lots of attention. She needs more one-on-one time. She probably needs to be put back on meds. I don't know. I guess back to the therapist/pediatrician. When she's sad, she pulls the "mom doesn't give me enough attention" and everyone coos over that because I don't come to every school function or field trip. Bite me. There is a dad in the picture. Hello....we're a two parent family.

Whatever.... on to other misc updates:

Advisor kept job (for now) but panicking due to enrollment. We'll be down to less than 20 students over the next three semesters. We'll be lucky to get 6 new enrollees during that time. I suggested (again) advertising. Shock! Now that we're desperate, we're going to do it. Well, in a half-assed sort of way - through emails to depts inside our university and to a few agencies/community colleges/organizations. Nothing over the top, but it may be enough to survive until they figure out what to do. Looks like it will move to full online program eventually. Serious talks. I'm glad I'll be finished and graduated.

My dissertation methodoloist is now Advisor. Dept Chair decided to get add on a different outside person, which means no methodologist. Add another person to the committee? No, he said she could do it. I told her today. I think she was happy, although faked the perturbed thing like "how dare he just assume...." You could tell she was excited. She said that I will have to do a lot of reading!! Woo-woo. It's an ethnography. Let's not get too crazy here.

Oh, and this was the email response to my question about my travel money for the conference:
I'm sorry to say that student travel was cut last year and hasn't been re-instated. I'm so sorry.

Oh, those undergrads...

2008-10-23T11:22:00.003-04:00

Class is 7 pm and I have two students that have contacted me about their papers due tonight. They know they get one free rewrite, so I told them both they can just turn in the final, but the grade they get is the grade they get. However, I do grade pretty tough on the papers and I told them that already. It's a senior level class and I can't stand papers written like it's a blog (ha!) or a text message. I want a real research paper, APA citations, etc. I don't think it's too much to ask. I can't wait to see what gets tuned in (or not...)

Stupid, stupid graduate assistants

2008-10-20T12:08:00.003-04:00

Stupid graduate assistants make us all look bad. I applied for a tenure-track job. My first one. (1) Because it's rare to find any in my field, (2) it's time for me to start applying, and (3) it's the first one that I've actually wanted, really wanted. I get an email from a GA with 16 other emails: Dear Applicants, blah, blah, blah. Basically we're to fill out an EEOC form and fax it in. Are you kidding me? 17 candidates with their emails? At first, my heart falls. I can't compete. Then I fight. I need to know if I have a chance. I look up all of the people -- People from VT, Ohio, Kansas State, App State, Hampton, Utah, Memphis...it goes on and on. And then there are those who used their gmail and yahoo email, except they used their names as their email address. Checked them out on Facebook and Google! Well, good and bad news. Good news - some dumbasses. Bad news, some great looking cv's. With this many candidates and me still being ABD, I'm just not feeling it. Maybe the dumbass GA was a good thing. At least not getting a call will be due to actually more qualified people. At the same time, it just sucks.

Why I need calendar alerts

2008-09-25T17:40:00.002-04:00

I missed a conference today. Yes, a real conference. It's a state-wide thing, but local so I didn't book the hotel or anything. I didn't have to pay, which is probably the reason it didn't even register with me. I was checking my calendar for tomorrow's activities and saw the conference was today. Ooops.

It was for new and adjunct faculty for the community college. It's not like I really needed to go, but I thought it would look impressive if anyone asked and I figured I might be able to network. Yeah, shot myself in the foot as my name badge sat there all day long.... ug. IDIOT! I'm just hoping no one reports this to the college. Yeah, right....

Updates

2008-09-24T15:36:00.004-04:00

Hubby got new job. Back over in the other area...lateral move, no pay increase. Further away, more on call. At least he won't kill anyone.

I'm a bit calmer now. Probably because I'm at school where I feel most at home. Lots to do, but this type of work is manageable to me.

Advisor pretty much leaving me alone. She's pretty sure she's going to get canned, although I have my doubts. We'll find out at the end of October about budget cuts. It probably could go either way....

Alternate universe

2008-09-22T19:46:00.005-04:00

Today is one of those days I wonder about my parallel universe. Is there such a place where I live alone in a small apartment over a cafe? I read books and study in the quiet of my world? I have no children. Maybe a spouse, but one that shares by passion for school and outside dining?

On days like today I wonder how I ended up here? Is this the white-trash life that tried to break free? Some parts of me made it while others didn't?

I often think about my parallel life. I wonder if I'd wish I had a family and the suburban home. Do I just think this way because of the "grass is always greener" or am I really in a life that I was too stupid to know would be my second choice. If I had only known at 20 there was a different choice....

Have you ever watched Bridges of Madison County? Yeah, noble she stayed, but didn't you want Franchesca to run away with Robert? Run, run...that's your real life awaiting..... but no, we moms do what's right, even at our own expense. We wipe asses, we check homework, we give praises to our husbands to boost their ego. It's just exhausting.

I think society tells us what we should do --- live in suburbia and raise kids. I see my friend who wasn't able to have kids and she tells me how "lucky" I am. I see how lucky she is.... how ironic is that?

Is it wrong to count the days until my kids go to college? Does that make me a horrible mother? I have my one kid's teacher telling me how the grow up so fast and enjoy this time. How exactly am I supposed to do that??? Perhaps I'm selfish. I don't even care.

Some days are better than others. Today I can barely look at my husband. After 13 years of marriage, I think it's purgatory. I just want to be left alone. I just close my eyes and think of my alternate universe....I'm sitting on a patio outside of my studio apartment, writing, working on research. It's too bad that 10 years ago my universe revolved around babies and the "perfect" American family. I'm such a dumb ass. So naive.

I want to cry. I want to yank out my hair. Instead, I will suck it up and pretend everything is grand. I guess it truly does suck b/c my husband is supportive of what I do, my kids are good kids. I need to stop being so greedy. However, on days like today I can't help but scream inside. WTF???

More coordination, please...

2008-09-18T17:56:00.002-04:00

25% of class is out tonight due to "family emergency" or other non-descriptive reasons. I'm a pretty hard ass about emailing me ahead of time. I plan activities, etc. It's not just for my own personal amusement. I actually did have a somwhat boring class prepped. PowerPoint and lecture for the first half, case study for the second half. I'm now wondering how I can reward the troops that will show up tonight. Class is in an hour...must think....

Why do I bother???

2008-09-15T16:45:00.003-04:00

So I see a tenure track job in my field that just opened up. This is the SECOND one in the three years I have seen. It's a long shot, I know, but still worth a try. I showed it to the Dr. Dept Chair, he said to email to see if they would consider ABD since it asks for an earned Ph.D. I did and they said as long as I defend by Aug 2009 to certainly apply.

I showed the position to other folks around, particular those that I'm on a committee with (all tenured professors). They're all excited for me. All volunteered to be references. The head of the doctoral dept said she knew someone at the school and would call for me. Everyone's been really supportive. The head of the doc dept said to use her, this guy I know at the community college, and my advisor as references.

I go to tell my advisor. I show her the job description. She said I can't apply. Ah, already emailed the chair of the search committee and he said I'm good to apply. She's sooo not impressed and said I'll have to compete with associate professors since it's opened up to both. Duh, I know. Worth a shot, though, right?!? Everything they ask for, I have, at least in tiny bits, anyway. Maybe they want someone well rounded? Maybe they'd rather have an assistant professor. Who knows. I won't know until I send in my cv!

I guess I'm just ticked. Ever watch Randy Pausch's video? You know the part where he talks about a subordinate coming in to talk to a boss and they're excited and you're excited because they're excited?!?! I wish she'd just get that. Edify me and stop putting me down. That was fine when I started, but I'm starting to feel like a thumb tack lately.

Committee coming together and apart

2008-09-10T16:57:00.003-04:00

Coming together - I told my advisor that Dr. Dept Chair was going to be my chair. Since the "caught with our pants down" incident, she seems to have refocused her energy. Yeah for me! She now thinks that getting my dissertation done sooner rather than later is a good thing because "I don't think they'll be much funding next year." Ah, there is no fourth year funding here unless you get picked up to work on a grant.... and I'd rather slice my wrists. There is a guy here that is on his fourth funded year, but everyone knows that he's kind of a nut-ball. He's decided to do a philosophical dissertation and yet our school doesn't even have a masters program in philosophy. His committee seems to be floundering. Let's just say that the good ones get up and out. That's my plan.

Coming apart - I went to a meeting on the other campus and "ran into" my soon-to-be methodologist. (Yes, purposefully...) We've talked before about my study and she gave me every indication she was on board. She had questions, but nothing that seemed unreasonable considering the novelty of my data collection. She gave me a hug, we chatted, and then I said I wanted to talk to her about being on my committee. She gave me the deer in the headlights look. I figured she'd say something like she was too busy -- she's in a different school and could certainly be a nice cover for letting me down easy. Instead, she asked me about IRB issues, etc. She said she didn't want to be the first. I told her that rumor has it someone else did something similar and I was in the process of tracking it down. I also told her that some folks that serve on the IRB think that it should either be exempt, or expediated under panel B. They see no problems with it. She gave me the "are you sure" look. I let it go and told her I would talk to her later. I mentioned it to Dr. Chair and he said he'd handle it and when we get closer that he'll call her. Okee-do-kee. I have enough to worry about.

Student issues

2008-09-08T20:17:00.002-04:00

First job with this school as adjunct. Don't know the ropes yet. Hybrid course...jump in with both feet.

Emailed students that did not do their first homework assignment (post an intro about themselves on Bb and do a non-graded practice quiz). A few did it, a few didn't. I called...trying to set up a successful class here.... I got one nice person that is having financial aid issues and may drop, two with voicemails, and one CANDY.

I tell her she didn't respond to my email, her homework is past due and she needs to take real quiz soon. I told her since this is the first assignment, I would extend it another two days, but she needed to do it asap. She didn't understand the instructions. Explained said instructions. Explained instructions again. She "thinks" she got it. She calls me back. I explain said instructions again. She lost syllabus. I tell her to print another. Her printer doesn't work. We hang up. She calls me back (locked out of quiz, which is what I told her NOT to do). She explains to me she's ADD and can't read the book. I ask her if she's gone to the disabilities office so I can make accommodations. She says she knows nothing about it. I asked her if she remembers me going over this in class the first night? If anyone has a disability, please go to the disability office so that I can make accommodations for you. I take this seriously and I want you to be successful... Anyway, I give her contact information over the phone, I email her their information, I tell her where to find it on the syllabus. I then email her advisor.

She called me today to find out what's going to be on the test tomorrow -- "like definitions and stuff".

Um, no Candy, like, you have to apply the definitions and solve real problems, which is why I'm letting you come in with a calculator and a 4x6 notecard of formulas.

There are formulas? What's going to be on the test?

Candy, as stated in the syllabus and on my weekly announcement, the test is based straight from the quiz.

What quiz?

The quiz that is due at midnight tonight.

Tonight?

Yes, Candy, tonight.

Oh, so I guess I need to do that, huh?

Candy?

Ah, yeah...

Did you go see the disability office yet? I sent you that email and they're expecting you.

They are?

Yes, Candy. Until you go see them, I cannot make any accommodations for you.

Okay, I'm going to take my quiz. I'll call you later, k?

I'm now in virtual office hours. Checked grades. Candy did it! She took the quiz. 45%, but at least it's done. I'm waiting for a phone call.

On the flip side, I called again one of the students that have never responded to any emails or my phone message. I leave a message with a nice young lady about how there is a test tomorrow and I'm concerned, ya-da. Turns out he's at class right now and that was his momma. She said he'd call. Ooops. Haven't figured out this whole community college gig yet.

Give up? No way!

2008-09-07T15:12:00.003-04:00

I almost gave up on this article I've been trying to write. I've rehashed it from a couple of different angles, none of which seemed to work. There was a soft deadline last Monday for submission and I sent in one "reflective" article, but I wanted my first publication to be a bit more meaty. It's a student edition of the journal, so I'm hoping they're easy on us. Anyway, even though it's passed the deadline, I tried one more time to hash this thing out. I think it worked. I'm going to email it in and see. Crossing fingers...

After a crappy day on Friday (so bad I couldn't even blog about it then), I did have some good news. I got an email asking for me to do a repeat presentation I did last year for some county people. Yeah! Oh, it's the little things we ABD's get excited about.

So why was my Friday so bad? Well, several of our students have left the program, yet are still on our program roster. I send an email before every semester to tell advisor and B who is not registered. Apparently this goes partially ignored. As she said "we got caught with our pants down". Let me clarify... "SHE" got caught w/ her pants down. They are either to be officially on a LOA or kicked out of the program. Some she couldn't get a hold of and left them dangling on the roster. Hmm...not kosher. We had a lot of graduates last semester and our numbers have DROPPED. So she went on and on about how she won't have a job, budget cuts, another collateral faculty is rumored to get the boot, etc. I feel her pain, but don't blame me for you trying to pad the enrollment. Geez!

So I was getting sort of the short end of the stick, sitting on the floor, yes floor, of her office filling out paperwork to drop students from the program (had to be done NOW). I looked at my watch and....4:05. It was my turn to get my kids off the bus (at 3:30). I RAN to my office to call my friend. Kind of puts the rest of the bs in perspective.

Post script: kids were fine; bus driver took them back up to the school and my friend was able to pick them up from the office. Advisor must have felt mildly bad; posted a nice comment to my edublog (barf). I'm becoming a cynic.

Cornered

2008-09-04T14:54:00.002-04:00

Went to staff meeting with advisor; only three of us were to be there and B was late. Was cornered again about dissertation. It's getting awkward. She again professionally bad mouthed Dr. Dept Chair, but then went on to say that it's my choice. She asked me if I had ever asked her to be my chair??? I said no. She said, oh, because you could just tell him that I'm doing it. Slick.

I said that he really likes my dissertation topic (the one she thinks I stole) and she said she takes that as a form of flattery since her IRB proposal is similar. (She did her proposal over the summer after I did my practice IRB proposal for my last class). Hmmm... Apparently he's never said anything but "this should be fun" when he signed off on it. Same main idea taking two different paths. I can officially say, however, that I showed her this Web 2.0 tool back two Novembers ago.... whatever.

Regardless, I said he really seems to want to chair my dissertation and she said do you want me to talk to him? ARRGGHHH! No, I say calmly. I have a meeting with him on Tuesday and I'll let her know the outcome. I said we've already talked about who should be on my committee and she said, "am I on there?".... ah, yes, dumb butt, you are.

Gift well rec'd

2008-09-03T19:08:00.003-04:00

Ok, so the gift was given and rec'd well. She asked me how the dissertation seminar is going and I told her that I liked working with Dr. Dept Chair. He's straightforward; no b.s. (didn't use the words b.s.). She said he would be a good "dissertation committee member." She paused, then said, "or dissertation chair" halfhazzerdly. Then she went on to sort of professionally dog him - like he can be difficult to work with; may send you on one track and then ask you why you went down that path. Was she talking about herself?

It's not that I don't like her. I have great admiration for her and she's helped me along the way. I just think her bar is too exceptionally high. I can deal with that for a class, but not writing my dissertation. I just want concrete feedback; no b.s.; Dr. Dept Chair isn't the most warm and fuzzy, but it's not like I want to cuddle. I want to graduate! I know I'll have my beefs along the way with Dr. Dept Chair, but I know he'll at least keep things moving and keep all committee members in check.

So.... I let the comments roll and said that we'd be talking more about committee members/chairs tonight. I think I'll try talking to her tomorrow about it. I'll let her enjoy her gift.

dissin' my advisor

2008-09-03T10:35:00.001-04:00

I'm dreading going into the office today. I need to tell my advisor that she's not going to be the chair of my dissertation. I'm assuming that she's assuming (yeah, I know the saying) that she'll be it. She's collateral, so she's never really had the chance. Right now she's "co-chairing" one with the head of our dept since it's her first one, okay partial one. She's been on quite a few committees, but not the same.

I need to move this process along. I quit my job to return to school! I have a family! I have (want) a life. She just doesn't get it. I like her and all, but we're two different worlds. She lives in a 4,000 sq foot house with her husband and dogs. Never had kids. It's just hard to relate to my world of Wal-mart, a house that needs vacuuming, and chaos. She'll slow me down. She's a perfectionist in her way of doing things, which is not always mine.

The head of my dept was quite happy to be my chair and I asked him politically how that will work out. He told me not to worry about politics and just tell her. Easier said than done.

Oh, and I have a gift for her. I know, tacky. But she was really giving me a hard time lately (aka, did I steal her research idea?) and my mom said that maybe she was jealous. I should suck up and tell her how awesome she is. Normally I don't stoop to these sorts of things, but I need my last year to go well. I bought a gift. Small, nothing fancy. I just haven't been able to get it to her. Now it seems tacky to give her the gift and tell her she's not the chair. Ug. Can't win.

oh please, oh please

2008-09-02T19:31:00.001-04:00

So hubby took a new job three months ago. Same company, but new area. I think he's going to kill his boss. Seriously, he's going to end up in jail and I'm going to be a mom with two kids, no real job, and no health insurance. He called over to his old director-pal that has an open mgr position. I'm crossing my fingers. I swear I'm getting an ulcer over it.

It sucks. There was a reorg then he was sort of half-assed offered a job but he'd have to work under people that didn't have the experience that he did. He took this job - with a pay cut - thinking he'll be closer to home, no call. Yeah, blows chunks. I've never seen him like this. If he doesn't get this other job I think he'll be applying as a wal-mart checker. I wonder if we'd get a discount?

Starting anew

2008-09-02T14:27:00.001-04:00

I have an open blog which keeps my family and friends in sync with my hectic life. However, I can't talk about anyone, bitch about my advisor, or generally rant about life. I need this outlet or I will explode. I must cover my tracks. Opened secret email & secret blog. Do I dare even tell my husband? Hmmm...nope!

About me? Started my dissertation officially last week. How far have I come? I'm reading Surviving Your Dissertation. Impressive, I know. I've got kids, husband, cats. That's about all you'll get from me, at least for now.

I've had so much to say over the last two years, but I just can't rehash...must move on. Quick brief: had cheating office mates & I took their butts to honor court; my advisor thinks I'm copying her research agenda (ah, who actually showed her the stuff last year??); and my husband's company has been dickin' him around. That covers the basics. See, you're all caught up.